How to Fight Fair

You and your spouse have had an argument. You want to talk it out, but your spouse retreats. What do you do? Is there a way to “fight fair”?

When you are in a conflict, it is imperative that you communicate openly and honestly. Failure to share your feelings and talk through your differences will stifle any efforts to clear the air and restore intimacy.

Here are a few helpful things you can do in order to handle your inevitable conflicts and learn to fight fair.

Choose an appropriate time and setting.

Do you and your spouse really need to solve an issue moments before two dozen guests arrive for a dinner party? Select a time and place that minimize distractions, guarantee privacy from the children, and won’t make you tense right before an event.

Ask permission to address the conflict.

Make sure your spouse is ready to face the issue before you bring it up. For example: “Are you ready to talk about our disagreement over how to discipline the children?” or “I’m ready to confront our money problems. Are you okay with that?”

Avoid the silent treatment.

Sometimes—especially when you’re are angry—you both will clam up and give the silent treatment, thinking that the silence will communicate your perspective. Don’t mistake silence for communication. In fact, silence often is only manipulative. The goal is to open communication, not play games.

Agree on a plan for handling conflicts.

Answer this question with your spouse: How do we want to talk to each other when a conflict arises?

Pray.

Prayer makes a positive impact on the resolution of conflict. Prayer takes two people on opposite sides of an issue and welcomes into the debate a third person: Jesus. Bringing Jesus into your debate means deciding together to play by his rules.

Listen to this example:

“Some friends of ours have been married over thirty years. They have their times of disagreement, and they shared with us how one time they hit the wall and simply could not come to an agreement. The wife turned to the husband and said, “I’m going to submit because I believe that God has put you in that position. And I trust you. But I’m going to tell you something: I’m going to go to God over this issue.” The husband listened to her, gasped, and said, “Wait a minute. You’re going to go to God?” “Yeah, because I know that he loves you and that he, through the power of the Holy Spirit, can deal with you.”

This gives a glimpse into the heart of a strong marriage. The man who hears these words from his wife realizes that his wife isn’t trying to control him; instead, she desires that he be controlled by the Holy Spirit. She goes to her ultimate authority in prayer because she desires God’s outcome for the situation. And her attitude stimulated her husband to seek after what God’s will in the situation. 

When you get to the point where you just aren’t seeing eye to eye, transfer the situation to the hands of God and leave it there. Then the Lord has a chance to do a wonderful work in your marriage and in your lives. God gets all the glory. God gets all the credit.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Getting Back on Track when Marriage Gets Tough

Photo by Gus Moretta on Unsplash

Marriage isn’t easy. Whether you’ve been married a long time or a short time - you know it’s the truth! No matter how good your marriage is, you and your spouse will go through times of drought. Why? Because your spouse was never meant to satisfy you completely . . . only Jesus can love perfectly.

Happiness in marriage is not found when both partners are devoted to having the other partner provide all the happiness for them. Jesus must have this foundational position in your marriage. Being a faithful, wise, and loving spouse ultimately relies upon your choice to be faithful to God. When a husband or wife is unlovable or unable to be made happy, the marriage can only survive when you find hope and happiness in God’s strength, power, and glory.

Before you can ever know the deep security and confidence God intends for you to enjoy as a couple, you need to be certain in your heart that your relationship is rooted in a love that will never give up. Good things are possible because a bond exists between you, and God will not let you ignore it. He created the marriage bond—that solemn covenant—to be unbreakable.

So what do you do when you think things have gotten off-track in your relationship? When you feel the love fading?

Remember, love is a choice, not a feeling. You may not currently feel like you’re in love with your spouse, but because of the commitment you once made, you must choose to love and show it by your actions. You will find that the feelings will follow.

But what if you realize you’ve hit a roadblock in your marriage that you can’t get past on your own. You may need someone to step in and help you navigate the journey of healing to repair the damages and hurts in your marriage. A counselor could also be part of your team in helping you work through the rebuilding process.

Unsure if it’s time to add a counselor to your team? Ask yourself these three questions:

1. What is the problem?” At first glance, the answer is obvious: It’s the trial itself - stress, arguments, financial troubles, illness, etc. But here’s our point. First, the problem isn’t either one of you--you are on the same side and you are battling this problem together.

2. “What do we need from each other?” After you have made the decision to battle your problems together, ask yourselves what kind of help you need to solve them. Identify areas where you have the strength and know-how to support each other. Do you need the other to step in with a decision? Do you need some space? How about comfort and encouragement? Perhaps you need your spouse to brainstorm with you or to seek God’s truth with you in his Word and through prayer.

3. What kind of outside help do we need?” Resolving a trial or crisis is often beyond your ability and resources. In the case of marriage-threatening trills, in fact, this is always the case. God wants to put other people in your life to lift you up. Your task at this stage can be as concrete as making a list of the people you need to talk to who can help you in some way. Or getting recommendations for a qualified, trustworthy Christian counselor.

No matter what the situation, we want to encourage you that great marriages are often forged through difficult trials. Whatever you may be facing in your marriage right now, let the words of James 1:2-3 be both instruction and comfort: “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”

It’s easy to love in the good times. But when our marriage comes under intense testing, we still have in our possession what really matters: A love that won’t quit. No matter where our trials take us, we have each other.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!