Keeping Secrets - Can it Help? Or Does it Hurt?

Q: Is it okay to keep secrets from my spouse?

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A: You need to be honest, but you also need to measure how much about the facts you need to disclose. Self disclosure can be good, but it can also go too far. For example, if you are going to get married, your future spouse has every right to know about your sexual past, but he or she doesn’t need to know every detail and the name of every person from your sexual past. Sharing all of that can only cause pain. Be honest with where you’ve been, but be careful as to the level of disclosure you use.

We have had callers to our radio program who, at a point in their marriage, had committed adultery—had an affair. They have experienced the guilt and pain; they’ve gone back to their spouse; they’ve come clean with God. They call to ask us if they should confess the infidelity to their spouse. 

That’s a very difficult question. It can be very tempting to take the easy way out and not say anything. You can figure it’s over and done with and you don’t want to put your spouse through that. There is some truth to that, and in certain situations that may be the best course of action. But we also want to challenge you to think about the intimacy factor. By keeping your secret, how is it that you could ever experience all the intimacy that God desires in your marriage relationship?

First, consider emotional intimacy. When you are emotionally intimate with your spouse, you are connecting. You experience grace, listening, validation, honesty, as well as the sharing of hurt or disappointment. At that point of openness, Satan loves to zoom in and whisper in your ear the voice of condemnation, of unconfessed sin. He can’t do anything about the fact that he knows you’ve straightened it out with God, but he wants to make you continue to feel the pain of experiencing openness with your spouse while you’re holding something back.

Second is spiritual intimacy. You’ve been forgiven by God, but you’re also covering a sin. Proverbs 28:13 says,  “People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.” How will you deal with that?

Third is physical intimacy. When you move into physical intimacy with your spouse, does this affair come up in your mind? How is that affecting your ability to give yourself completely to your spouse?

There’s going to be a lot pain if you confess. There’s no doubt. It’s tough, but that’s one of the consequences you face for having committed the sin in the first place (if this is the only consequence you have from committing adultery, consider yourself fortunate). But if you come to confession to your spouse explaining your desire for that true, unhindered oneness, you’ll be a long way toward reconciliation. Have boundaries in how much you tell. You needn’t give all the details. Lay down the honest truth. Honesty and confession can carry a relationship into new places.

The best way to deal with secrets is not to have them. Be truthful. Live a life of truth. If there is something you’re hiding, then get it out. If there are secrets in your life that you know you need to tell your spouse, than tell him or her in love. Don’t view certain secrets as “small,” for there is always deception in secrets. Instead, ask yourself, “Would I say this, do this, or think this if my spouse were right here in the room?” If the answer is no, then you shouldn’t do it. To protect yourself, be willing to be openly honest with your spouse. For example, if you’re noticing the flirtation of a co-worker, express your concern to your spouse. That will hold you accountable.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Make a Date for a Date

Are you and your spouse making time to “date” each other? Whether you’ve been married a few months or a few decades - dating your mate is vital to keeping your marriage relationship fresh and vibrant!

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Dating your husband or wife will be very different from dating a potential husband or wife. Yet it is just as important. When you were single, dating was a time to get away alone, to talk, laugh, and have fun together. You took time to learn more about each other, about your past and your dreams for the future. You gradually felt at ease with each other. But, you see, even though you’re married, the two of you still need the same thing. You need to get away alone and continue to talk, laugh, and have fun together. You need to learn more about each other, your past and your dreams for the future. You need to feel at ease with each other as you face new challenges together. That’s why dating shouldn’t stop with marriage.

Too often, married couples get settled, caught up in the routine of jobs, church, parenting, and other commitments. Many couples are so busy that they don’t take time to nurture the foundation of their family—their marriage and their relationship with each other. As we know all too well, when that marriage foundation begins to crumble, everything else comes down with it.

Your marriage is your most important relationship after your relationship with God. Your marriage needs nurturing. Like a plant needs water or a car needs an oil change, your marriage needs consistent attention. It needs care and nurture every day; it needs a special “tune-up” once in a while. You need to reconnect with your spouse. You need to work at your marriage.

Keeping a marriage together and the romance alive takes time. It means making one’s marriage and spouse a priority and setting aside time for only him or her. In other words, it means planning dates on a regular basis.

If you and your spouse are not currently dating, we want to encourage you get into that habit. The two of you really do need time to reconnect and continue to stoke the fires of the romance that brought you together in the first place. Your marriage needs to be strong to withstand the onslaughts of daily life. When you know that you both are on the same team working toward the same goals and cheering each other on, then even the toughest competition won’t be too much to handle.

If you already are in the habit of going on dates, we say, “Good for you!” Now maybe you could spice it up a bit! Perhaps only one of you initiates the dates and handles the details. Try switching it up! Or maybe you have your “standard” date. Maybe trying trying something new!

You might be asking, “Why can’t we just go to dinner and a movie?” Well, you can, and that’s a good place to start. But if you’re going to go out to dinner and a movie and spend the money on the date and a baby-sitter anyway, then make the date count! It’s what we call having a “date with a purpose.” Intentionally give your time together a purpose beyond just sharing an event. Focus on your mate’s love needs. Put him or her in the spotlight and nurture your marriage relationship.

Just think about how much your husband or wife (and you!) can benefit as you work at investing in your relationship. We encourage you to try making a date for a date with your spouse. Think of it as a way of loving your spouse more concretely. Affirm him or her as you begin, and start small, allowing the impact of the dates to stoke the home fires. Stay at it. Stay positive. We know it will be worth it!

If you need some ideas to get started, check out our book: 40 Unforgettable Dates With Your Mate.

How to Fight Fair

You and your spouse have had an argument. You want to talk it out, but your spouse retreats. What do you do? Is there a way to “fight fair”?

When you are in a conflict, it is imperative that you communicate openly and honestly. Failure to share your feelings and talk through your differences will stifle any efforts to clear the air and restore intimacy.

Here are a few helpful things you can do in order to handle your inevitable conflicts and learn to fight fair.

Choose an appropriate time and setting.

Do you and your spouse really need to solve an issue moments before two dozen guests arrive for a dinner party? Select a time and place that minimize distractions, guarantee privacy from the children, and won’t make you tense right before an event.

Ask permission to address the conflict.

Make sure your spouse is ready to face the issue before you bring it up. For example: “Are you ready to talk about our disagreement over how to discipline the children?” or “I’m ready to confront our money problems. Are you okay with that?”

Avoid the silent treatment.

Sometimes—especially when you’re are angry—you both will clam up and give the silent treatment, thinking that the silence will communicate your perspective. Don’t mistake silence for communication. In fact, silence often is only manipulative. The goal is to open communication, not play games.

Agree on a plan for handling conflicts.

Answer this question with your spouse: How do we want to talk to each other when a conflict arises?

Pray.

Prayer makes a positive impact on the resolution of conflict. Prayer takes two people on opposite sides of an issue and welcomes into the debate a third person: Jesus. Bringing Jesus into your debate means deciding together to play by his rules.

Listen to this example:

“Some friends of ours have been married over thirty years. They have their times of disagreement, and they shared with us how one time they hit the wall and simply could not come to an agreement. The wife turned to the husband and said, “I’m going to submit because I believe that God has put you in that position. And I trust you. But I’m going to tell you something: I’m going to go to God over this issue.” The husband listened to her, gasped, and said, “Wait a minute. You’re going to go to God?” “Yeah, because I know that he loves you and that he, through the power of the Holy Spirit, can deal with you.”

This gives a glimpse into the heart of a strong marriage. The man who hears these words from his wife realizes that his wife isn’t trying to control him; instead, she desires that he be controlled by the Holy Spirit. She goes to her ultimate authority in prayer because she desires God’s outcome for the situation. And her attitude stimulated her husband to seek after what God’s will in the situation. 

When you get to the point where you just aren’t seeing eye to eye, transfer the situation to the hands of God and leave it there. Then the Lord has a chance to do a wonderful work in your marriage and in your lives. God gets all the glory. God gets all the credit.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Getting Back on Track when Marriage Gets Tough

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Marriage isn’t easy. Whether you’ve been married a long time or a short time - you know it’s the truth! No matter how good your marriage is, you and your spouse will go through times of drought. Why? Because your spouse was never meant to satisfy you completely . . . only Jesus can love perfectly.

Happiness in marriage is not found when both partners are devoted to having the other partner provide all the happiness for them. Jesus must have this foundational position in your marriage. Being a faithful, wise, and loving spouse ultimately relies upon your choice to be faithful to God. When a husband or wife is unlovable or unable to be made happy, the marriage can only survive when you find hope and happiness in God’s strength, power, and glory.

Before you can ever know the deep security and confidence God intends for you to enjoy as a couple, you need to be certain in your heart that your relationship is rooted in a love that will never give up. Good things are possible because a bond exists between you, and God will not let you ignore it. He created the marriage bond—that solemn covenant—to be unbreakable.

So what do you do when you think things have gotten off-track in your relationship? When you feel the love fading?

Remember, love is a choice, not a feeling. You may not currently feel like you’re in love with your spouse, but because of the commitment you once made, you must choose to love and show it by your actions. You will find that the feelings will follow.

But what if you realize you’ve hit a roadblock in your marriage that you can’t get past on your own. You may need someone to step in and help you navigate the journey of healing to repair the damages and hurts in your marriage. A counselor could also be part of your team in helping you work through the rebuilding process.

Unsure if it’s time to add a counselor to your team? Ask yourself these three questions:

1. What is the problem?” At first glance, the answer is obvious: It’s the trial itself - stress, arguments, financial troubles, illness, etc. But here’s our point. First, the problem isn’t either one of you--you are on the same side and you are battling this problem together.

2. “What do we need from each other?” After you have made the decision to battle your problems together, ask yourselves what kind of help you need to solve them. Identify areas where you have the strength and know-how to support each other. Do you need the other to step in with a decision? Do you need some space? How about comfort and encouragement? Perhaps you need your spouse to brainstorm with you or to seek God’s truth with you in his Word and through prayer.

3. What kind of outside help do we need?” Resolving a trial or crisis is often beyond your ability and resources. In the case of marriage-threatening trills, in fact, this is always the case. God wants to put other people in your life to lift you up. Your task at this stage can be as concrete as making a list of the people you need to talk to who can help you in some way. Or getting recommendations for a qualified, trustworthy Christian counselor.

No matter what the situation, we want to encourage you that great marriages are often forged through difficult trials. Whatever you may be facing in your marriage right now, let the words of James 1:2-3 be both instruction and comfort: “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”

It’s easy to love in the good times. But when our marriage comes under intense testing, we still have in our possession what really matters: A love that won’t quit. No matter where our trials take us, we have each other.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!