Communication is critical to any marriage relationship. In a first responder marriage, it’s especially important since so often the first responder’s schedule takes them away from home at odd hours or they come home feeling too tired to talk. Or you may be responding to each other in explosives ways and not be sure why.
Photo by Christian Fregnan on Unsplash
So what are some ways you can sharpen the connection in your relationship and connect?
One big tip we have for you is this: Be alert to the “dragons” that set off disconnection.
We all have “dragons” that can be triggered, and when they are we react – and sometimes we’re completely unaware why. But here is what we know: The outcome is disconnect and withdrawal. Or you may jump into conflict.
If we are going to create safety in our marriages, we need to know what our “dragons” or fears are.
First of all, there are physiological triggers that fire up our “dragons.” For example, if a husband and wife are having ice cream with some friends – laughing outside at a restaurant – and the wife leans over to her husband and says, “Are you about ready to leave? We need to get home to the sitter.” If the husband doesn’t take that cue very well and keeps on talking, the wife could get triggered. Her face gets hot and her thoughts go negative: “He doesn’t make me a priority. He just doesn’t care about me. He is such a jerk.”
What just happened? Her “dragons” got inflamed.
You can thank your amygdala. What is that? It’s a small almond-shaped part of our emotional brain that fires up under stress that can hijack your emotions. It’s designed to help us anticipate threat by:
Causes blood pressure to go up
Makes us more alert and highly focused on danger
Get our muscles ready for a quick response
The problem is that there is no real physical threat, but our amygdala can’t discern between physical and emotional. It can cause confusion and lead to breakdown of communication. Your amygdala is constantly scanning your spouse for tone of voice, facial expressions, choice of words or actions and making judgments about their intent. And your amygdala is listening to your dragons and may cause you to jump to a conclusion that wasn’t intended:
“You don’t love me.”
“You think I’m stupid.”
“I am better than you.”
And more…
So what do we do? Thank your amygdala for being on top of things and showing us what could be a real threat or possible danger, but check your automatic response and challenge the false belief that you may be being controlled or abandoned. Share with your spouse that you know your response was triggered, but that it may not be accurate. This allows us to feel safe, but to also move toward each other. Another takeaway is to be alert to stress responses in your body and learn to respond to them rather than let them hijack you.
So, instead of just reacting in anger, plan ahead to manage that anger:
Be aware of anger. One of the many myths of anger is that a person with an anger problem shows it through his or her appearance and actions. However, a person with a seemingly calm demeanor can stuff anger and explode when least expected. People need to identify what makes them susceptible to anger, how their bodies respond to anger, and what physical manifestations of anger they adopt when enraged.
Accept responsibility for anger. It’s easy to blame others for our problems. You often hear people say, “So-and-so made me angry.” Blaming a personal reaction on someone else is not appropriate. People don’t “lose” their tempers; they “choose” their own tempers.
Identify the source of anger. Anger is a secondary emotion that is experienced in response to a primary emotion such as hurt, frustration, or fear. Anger is usually a defense mechanism against being hurt. Frustration is a big part of anger. Frustration occurs when expectations and personal goals aren’t met. The things that frustrate people are usually not very important. Identifying frustrating personalities or situations will prepare a person for handling similar encounters in the future.
Choose how to invest anger energy. You can’t always control when you will experience anger, but you can choose how you will express it. With God’s help, you can find creative and constructive ways to deal with anger. Handling anger well involves open, honest, and direct communication. It involves speaking the truth in love. It involves declaring truth and righting wrongs. It involves being open to an apology or explanation and seeks to work toward an agreement.
For many, both the experience and expression of anger have become a habit. Habits can take some time to change. The good news is that with God’s help, you can change and grow. As you allow the Holy Spirit to fill you, you can replace the old, unhealthy ways of responding with new, healthy and God-honoring emotional responses.
*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!