Help Your First Responder Spouse to Open Up

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First Responders deal with traumatic events in their daily jobs. They put their lives on the line – and often sacrifice their lives – for people they’ve never met.

Research has shown that—because of these traumas—First Responders are highly susceptible to things like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), vicarious and secondary trauma, and compassion fatigue. And the same trauma that effects the First Responder can also impact their entire family and support system. It can create a disconnect – he or she is willing to die for a stranger, but struggles to connect with those closest to him or her.

{source: An Inside Look at the Impact of First Responders’ Work on Their Relationships by Dr. Andy Brown and Lenka Cervenanova, Published April 25, 2016}

If your spouse is struggling to open up about what they’re thinking or feeling, there are ways to bridge that gap.

The marriage relationship is the place that God gives us to have security to begin to sort through issues when we begin to hit them. Your love, compassion, and grace can give your spouse the freedom to get through to the other side of whatever is keeping him or her from opening up. Your unconditional love for your spouse is the place it starts. Try to create a safe place for your spouse to open up to and talk about these things, whatever they are.

The next step is to begin to do some communicating. Help your spouse to go below the surface and talk about what’s going on inside. Give him or her the sense of security that you will walk alongside, wherever it takes you.

Studies show that couples who communicate frequently have a more satisfying relationship. And couples who achieve deep levels of communication enjoy the most satisfaction of all.

Try these communication skills:

1. Take one issue at a time. A full day’s worth of news and experiences and troubles can be overwhelming. Pouring everything out at once seldom gives your spouse much information about anything. It’s one way we tend to skim over our issues and never get to the core of them. You can help your spouse stay on track with a few helpful phrases: “Tell me more about . . .” or “What were you saying about . . ?” or “That sounds like another issue. Let’s talk about the other one first and come back to this one later.”

2. Allow one person to speak at a time. When you are communicating with your spouse, keep him or her in the spotlight. When your spouse is expressing, give him or her room for full expression—no interruptions, no feedback. If you both fight to be heard at the same time, communication is bound to break down.

3. Be specific and to the point. One of you may start at the main point and go from there. The other may talk around a topic until eventually arriving at the point. You need to take the time to hear each other.

4. Listen. The biggest single step you can take to improve communication in your marriage is to improve listening. James 1:19 says, “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” If you want your spouse to freely share his or her heart with you, you must convey with absolute certainty that he or she has your undivided attention. Listening attentively isn’t easy. Maintaining eye contact may be unnerving to you and jumping in with a solution may be hard to resist. However, listening is the key to understanding your spouse’s needs.

5. Respond appropriately. At some point after listening, of course, you must respond. The point is not for you to introduce your own agenda, but to clarify and fully understand what your spouse is expressing. You can get into trouble at this point if you fail to look out for your spouse’s best interest.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Go with the Overflow

A recent survey of active-duty and reserve-component service members’ spouses shows the spouses are, by and large, happy with the military lifestyles they lead.

60-percent of activity duty spouses said they’re “satisfied” with their military way of life, while 61-percent of reserve spouses said the same. They survey covered areas including satisfaction with military life, spouse employment, deployment and reintegration. They also asked about finances and the impact of deployments on families and military children.

 (source: C. Todd Lopez, “Survey Says: Majority of Spouses Satisfied with Military Life”)

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This is good news, of  course! And this kind of good feeling is one that can “spill over” into a couple’s relationship and marriage – as it should! But think about it: Overflow in the average household is usually a problem. For example:

• When a casserole or pie bubbles over while baking, you end up with a crusty mess. At that point, you’re glad someone invented the self-cleaning oven.

• Modern technology has ushered into our homes a host of electronic appliances and entertainment devices. But an overloaded circuit can mean anything from a tripped breaker to a menacing electrical fire.

These are the kinds of overflow you try to avoid and can gladly live without. But there is another kind you desperately need in your home, specifically in your relationship as husband and wife and as parents to your children. It is the overflow of your individual, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. As your life overflows with what God is doing in your heart, your spouse and your children are the blessed beneficiaries. That kind of overflow is an aspect of celebrating love that helps you feel cherished and captivated by your spouse.

It is clear from Scripture that believers were not designed to contain Christ but to overflow with him. As you consider the following passages, notice that growing in your personal relationship with Christ can get, shall we say, a little messy—in the best sense of the word.

“If you give, you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full measure, pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, and running over. Whatever measure you use in giving—large or small—it will be used to measure what is given back to you.” (Luke 6:38)

“May you overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

“Though they have been going through much trouble and hard times, their wonderful joy and deep poverty have overflowed in rich generosity.” (2 Corinthians 8:2)

Whatever you may believe about the much-debated “prosperity gospel,” that is not what we’re talking about here. Our point is not what should flow into your life as a result of your devotion to Christ, but what will flow out of your relationship with Jesus, touching those around you—principally your spouse and children. And our focus is not on material things but on spiritual things—Christ-like character qualities that will bubble over from your intimate fellowship with the Savior. This kind of overflow will make a significant impact on your relationships at home.

Here is a rather sweeping statement, but we believe it wholeheartedly and have experienced it in our marriage: Husband and wife, the very best thing you can do to foster celebrating love in your marriage is to grow in your individual relationship with Jesus Christ. The more you grow in the grace and knowledge of Christ through your study of the Word and prayer, the more Christ’s love, joy, peace, patience, and the rest of the fruits of the Spirit will flow out of your life, blessing your spouse—and vice versa.

Here’s an example of what that might look like in practical terms. You come to breakfast after having your personal devotions. As you eat, you share with your spouse a verse that was especially meaningful to you, something you intend to put into practice that day. Your spouse adds some important insights from his or her own personal time with God. You pray together about the issues you have discussed. You both leave the table enriched from the interaction with your spouse.

Later in the day you chat together by phone. Your spouse asks you how your day is going with specific reference to your conversation over breakfast. You share how God has been working in your life and ways you may have ignored his leading. Your spouse does the same. This time you offer a quick prayer over the phone for your partner.

At supper, at least part of the conversation is a recap of God’s activity in each of your lives through the day. You commiserate together over your failures and rejoice together over God’s victories. You sense a closeness in your relationship at the spiritual level, which is enriching other levels of your marriage. You can’t wait to see what tomorrow’s experiences will bring.

Imagine how this kind of interaction will positively influence your children. They will hear your conversations at the table. They will see how you depend on one another for spiritual insight and encouragement. They will see the overflow to one another from God’s activity in your hearts. They will sense your spiritual harmony orchestrating the depth of your relationship. What a way to prepare your kids for marriage!

In a very real sense, you and your spouse complete one another as you mutually celebrate the overflow of your relationship with Christ. Your spouse will gain insights that will greatly benefit you, and God will open your eyes to things that will enrich your spouse. Your husband or wife will actually grow spiritually as a result of what you share from your own walk with Christ. Think about it: You can be an instrument of spiritual maturity in your spouse’s life as you grow in Christ. It’s a completeness that you cannot achieve in any other way. Why would you not want to grow in Christ when your marriage will be all the better for it?

*For more helpful insights on how to connect with your spouse, check out Renewing Your Love: Devotions for Couples in our online bookstore.

The Myths of Christian Marriage

Q: We have a Christian marriage—so why is it so painful? Shouldn’t being believers shield us from the problems we’re having?

A: Many Christian marriages just are not going well. Both spouses are Christians, but they can’t seem to get along. Both worship the same God, but have completely different understandings of how to live life. Sometimes they treat money differently, discipline the kids differently, worship differently, communicate differently, or even have very different religious beliefs. At other times, one spouse claims to be a Christian, but doesn’t live a Christian lifestyle.

The reality of marriage is tough. Since we’re fallen humans, we often face disappointment. Discouragement looms over us and, unless confronted and resolved, it distances us from our mates. Then we become angry with God and cry out, “Why have you allowed all of this hurt to enter my life?”

The hard truth is, your marriage will not be perfect just because you’re Christians. Beware of buying into the following myths:

Myths of Christian Marriage 

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Myth #1: If I have a daily quiet time and attend church regularly, I’ll have a happy marriage.

In church you often hear that if you spend time with God every morning and study the Bible, your life and marriage will go well. The truth is, every couple goes through tough times—even Christians. Jesus clearly states that “on earth you will have many trials and sorrows” (John 16:33).

Myth #2: Our marriage will be divorce-proofed if we’re both Christians.

Many Christian couples feel ashamed when they stand at the brink of divorce. They don’t think anyone will understand, so they wait to go for help until it’s too late. The truth is, being a Christian doesn’t guarantee you won’t feel like getting divorced. The key to a strong, divorce-proofed marriage is the hard work of living out what you believe and upholding the virtues of Christlikeness—especially during the difficult times.

Myth #3: Scripture can be a simple guide for our marriage.

Scripture can be a valuable guide for daily living—as long as you don’t misinterpret what it says. Scripture teaches that God intends for man and wife to be one unit, working together for the good of the whole. That means using your giftedness. Together you make better decisions than you do individually.

Myth #4: We need to keep our marital problems to ourselves.

You may imagine that everyone else has a happy and put-together marriage, so you don’t confess or share your problems with anyone who can help. But the truth is, God created us as social beings to live in community where we can help each other. By keeping quiet, you hinder the healing that could have come from sharing with these other people who may have faced what you’re facing. This type of sharing needs to come in ways that are not hurtful to each other and to people who can truly help.

Myth #5: Christian couples don’t fight.

Many Christian couples think that “peace-making” means not fighting, so they deny any negative feelings. They let things build until they explode over something trivial. It’s okay to fight. In the Bible it says, “‘Don’t sin by letting anger control you.’ Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27). We challenge you and your mate to bring up whatever has been bothering you within twenty-four hours. You’ll be amazed how your mate may respond. Just saying, “I feel angry,” will defuse feelings. Humble yourself enough to apologize and put things behind you.

Myth #6: I need to pray for God to change my spouse.

Many people spend much time in prayer begging God to change their spouses. They think that they’d be happy if only their spouses were different. Therefore, many couples find that as much as they pray, they don’t see any significant change in their spouses. The truth is: God wants to change you first.

Myth #7: The husband should be stronger in his faith than the wife.

We each grow toward Christ in our own way and time. Many wives become critical of their husbands’ lack of spiritual leadership, which causes them to push and their husbands to retreat. Remember: You are not responsible for your mate’s spiritual life. Step aside and let God work—that’s when your mate will feel God calling him or her to get serious about his relationship with Christ. It takes time, but only God can make a husband the strong loving leader that the wife always wanted.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Differences that Disappoint

Unless you really married someone who is perfect, your marriage dream has been tainted by disappointment. Whenever you or your spouse fail to meet each other’s expectations in some way, somebody is disappointed. It happens in all relationships, but it is most painful in a marriage relationship. You thought you were getting a perfect angel. You thought you knew your spouse well. Then—surprise! You saw something in him or her you didn’t see before or something that was no big deal before. And you felt disappointed.

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Let’s say it plainly because we all know it’s true: Nobody’s perfect. You didn’t marry the angel of perfection you thought you were getting—and neither did your spouse. When the honeymoon ended and the glow of your first year together dimmed, you began to see your partner more realistically. You rubbed each other the wrong way occasionally—not because you wanted to (most of the time) but because your differences and flaws were beginning to show more clearly. In the overall scheme of things, these relational glitches are not usually major. Most are momentary annoyances. But the end result is disappointment that continues through married life.

The antidote to disappointment is persevering love, a love that hangs in there even when your spouse doesn’t live up to your ideals. You wish your husband wouldn’t slurp his soup, but you love him just the same when he does. You wish your wife kept the house as neat as a pin all the time, but you love her just the same when she doesn’t. Yes, you will still feel disappointed at times. But persevering love rises above feelings of disappointment and loves anyway, as if you were perfectly contented.

Marital disappointments are unavoidable because marriage is the collision of two different perspectives and ways of living. You brought into the union your own family background and traditions, but your spouse came with a different set.

Your marriage is also a blend—and in some cases a clash—of two different personalities. One of you may be the quiet, stay-at-home type while the other is an outgoing party animal. Somebody will have to deal with disappointment just about every weekend and holiday.

You also came to the altar with two different sets of values and philosophies. You may be fairly compatible on most issues, but it’s unlikely that you grew up in the same denomination and political party, or if you did, that you share identical views on every issue.

Finally, you brought with you into marriage a truckload of expectations that may differ from those of your spouse. Like how many kids you want or how close you think you should live to your parents.

So what do you do with the disappointments—great or small—that accompany the many differences you have discovered in your relationship? Where does persevering love kick into action? The apostle Paul’s words in Ephesians 4:2 are the key to dealing with differences and disappointments—“Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.”

Ideally, both of you will adopt these “be-attitudes” in the power of the Holy Spirit and take turns cutting each other plenty of slack.

Be humble. Take the servant’s role by not demanding that everything happen your way. Remember: You’re basically dealing with preferences, not issues of life and death, right and wrong, my way or the highway. It’s okay to state your desire to stay home on Friday night, but will it really kill you to go out with your more social half from time to time—and make sure he or she has a good time? 

Be gentle. “If you don’t do something about your snoring, I’m moving to the den—period!” Hey, do angry ultimatums and threats really help settle differences and heal disappointment? No, and they can even make things worse. When you are persevering in some area, be tender and kind about it. And when your spouse is doing the persevering, be gracious and grateful.

Be patient. Maybe it seems that your spouse will never yield to your preferences in some areas. Maybe he or she is overbearing and demanding about some things, even to the point of being unkind or ungracious about it. Maybe you live with constant disappointment, afraid that things will never change in some areas. Here’s a place where you need to lean into Jesus in prayer, hang on to his Word, and wait for him do something you cannot do. In the meantime, following Paul’s instruction, make allowance for your spouse’s faults, realizing that he or she is doing the same for you over other issues.

Why go to such lengths in a marriage relationship? “Because of your love,” Paul answers. Your love for each other is not on trial when disappointments arise. Rather, your love, which is rooted in God’s love for both of you, is the solid platform for working through and persevering in disappointments. And your love will grow even deeper as you take steps to heal any disappointments that arise.

*For more helpful insights to connect with your spouse, check out Renewing Your Love: Devotions for Couples in our online bookstore.

Cheer on Your Mate!

A 2009 survey found more than 54% of EMS services still use 24-hour shifts, nearly 30% use 12-hour shifts, and only 7% report using either 8- or 10-hour shifts. Coupled with stress, shift hours can be very detrimental to workers’ mental and emotional well-being.

(source: Hollie Backberg, “Stress: The Silent Killer of the EMS Career” )

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It comes as no surprise that EMS workers and other first-responders deal with an incredible amount of stress in their jobs. And sometimes that stress comes home with them. But what would it mean to that first-responder if they knew as they face each day that someone is cheering them on no matter what happens? That would be a powerful encouragement, wouldn’t it?

In a marriage, each spouse has the opportunity and privilege to be the other’s enthusiastic cheerleader and loyal supporter. When you are convinced that your spouse is always on your side, you can endure almost anything. Such loyalty, emotional support, and practical help keeps the flames of renewing love burning brightly.

How can you become your spouse’s cheerleader? One excellent place to start is by applying the “one another” passages of the New Testament to your marriage relationship. Throughout the Gospels and Epistles, Christians are instructed in specific, practical ways on how to love, encourage, and support one another. Since your spouse is the number one “other” in your life, he or she should be the first recipient of your loving care.

Here are several “one another” and “each other” passages and suggestions on what they could look like in your “cheerleading” at home.

“Don’t condemn each other” (Romans 14:13); “Live in harmony with each other” (Romans 12:16). Don’t be a source of constant criticism and nagging in your relationship. It will wear your spouse down instead of cheering him or her on.

“Accept each other just as Christ has accepted you” (Romans 15:7); “Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults” (Ephesians 4:2). A good cheerleader is enthusiastic and supportive whether the team is winning or losing. Focus your encouragement on your spouse’s strengths and accomplishments while cutting plenty of slack for mistakes and imperfection. Be a constant source of genuine compliments, encouraging words, spoken appreciation, helpful advice, and cheery positivism.

“Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another” (Ephesians 4:32); “Forgive the person who offends you” (Colossians 3:13). When your spouse wrongs you, don’t punish him or her with an icy stare, a blazing reprimand, punishment, or payback. Be quick to let it go and be an instrument of restoring harmony.

“Serve one another in love” (Galatians 5:13); “Serve each other in humility” (1Peter 5:5). Constantly look for ways to ease your spouse’s burdens in life by helping with chores and sharing responsibilities. Take delight in doing the dirty work without being asked or begged to do it.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21); “Build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11). Don’t always insist on your way of doing things or treat your spouse as second class in any respect. Celebrate and defer to your spouse’s strengths. Treat him or her as an equal who is just as gifted and competent as you are in many areas.

“I command you to love each other in the same way that I love you” (John 15:12). Whenever you are in doubt about how to encourage and support your spouse, turn to the master cheerleader: Jesus. Pattern your love after his sacrificial, constant, accepting love for you.

Become each other’s cheerleader and watch your “team” soar to the top!

*For more helpful insights on how to connect with your spouse, check out Renewing Your Love: Devotions for Couples in our online bookstore.

How to Have an Argument

It’s not a matter of if, but when, you and your mate will have an argument. It’s a natural part of any relationship, but did you know there is a right way to argue? You have to be purposeful and prayerful, but you can argue in a healthy way in your marriage. Here are some helpful tips:

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1. Clarify what the actual conflict is.

   Make sure each of you understand WHAT you are upset about and WHY before moving any further. This saves time, frustration, and hurt.

2. Stick to the issue at hand.

   Don’t bring up issues from the past.

3. Maintain as much tender physical contact and eye contact as possible.

   This shows your mate that your love is unconditional. It may be as simple as holding hands or placing a hand on the other’s shoulder.

4. Avoid sarcasm and exaggerated comments.

   This can be cutting and hurtful and will turn your mate off quickly. Be rational and reasonable when disagreeing; keep things into perspective.

5. Avoid “you” statements.

   These can sound accusatory and immediately make your spouse defensive. Try to relate to him or her how the action made you feel, think, hurt.

6. Don’t resort to name calling.

   This will cause deeper pain through hurtful words. If this happens, you should continue the discussion later when you’ve both calmed down.

7. Avoid power statements and threats.

   Don’t say things like, “If you don’t sit up from the couch, then I won’t talk to you . . .” Don’t threaten divorce—this can only cause the other person to lose security and feel that the love in your relationship is conditional.

8. Don’t use the silent treatment.

   Silence will not resolve anything and will only lead to a greater chasm between you and your spouse.

9. Keep your arguments private.

   Your relationship is between the two of you. It will embarrass and belittle your mate if you share your arguments with others.

10. Repeat what you think the other person said.

    This will avoid misunderstanding and dangerous assumptions.

11. Resolve hurt feelings before continuing with conflict resolution.

    Hurt feelings can act as a stone wall that won’t let you get to the conflict. Deal with them first. Apologize for any hurtful statements so that you can move to resolving the real issue.

12. Resolve that both of you will win.

    Continue to work on the situation until both of you feel comfortable with the solution.

13. Strive to reflect honor in all your words and actions.

    Honor is paramount in a marriage. Guard it always, even in the face of conflict.

14. Pray before resolving the conflict.

    This will focus both of you on the Lord and open you up to start communicating in an honorable way.

 *For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Bring Back the Fun!

Q: Our marriage is—well—boring. How can we bring back the fun?

A: On your wedding day, you were flooded with joy over your spouse and you gladly proclaimed your undying commitment to each other in front of family and friends. It was a moment when all the emotion of King Solomon’s love poem came fully alive: “I am my lover’s, and my lover is mine” (Song of Songs 6:3).

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But maintaining the I’m-rejoicing-over-you attitude isn’t automatic once your relationship has logged some miles and picked up a few dents and dings. It’s even worse if you carry around lots of unresolved disappointments. Where did the magic go?  Is there any way to get the magic back? We’re glad you asked! Read on . . .

1.  Put Each Other at the Top of the List

Move each other to the top of your to-do lists, just below your love for Jesus. You must make spending time together a priority, just as you did when you were first dating. We are amazed at how many people buy into the idea that “quality time” with their spouse and children is sufficient. Quality time is a myth. You need hundreds of hours of quantity time before you can enjoy real quality time.

Let your body language demonstrate that your spouse is your priority. Make eye contact. Give undivided attention. When you walk together, hold hands.

Instead of evaluating your daily success by how many tasks you check off your to-do list, ask whether they are the right tasks, those that properly balance God time, personal time, and family time. Your attention to the Bible, prayer, and fellowship with God will give you access to the only power source that will ultimately satisfy, allowing you to properly honor your family.

2.  Confess to Each Other

Unresolved offenses block all kinds of intimacy—emotional, physical, and spiritual. We know this from our own experience and from talking to countless couples whose love has grown cold. Trying to get close while those hurts remain is like trying to hurdle a hundred-foot wall. It won’t happen.

When you sense a wall between you and your spouse, something is very wrong. Husbands, why not take the lead to address the pain and restore intimacy? Become responsible for the tone of the relationship and get your marriage back on course, especially if you are guilty of contributing to the pain.

3.  Get to Know Each Other Again

Most men tell us that they were far more successful at connecting with their wives before marriage or before children. And many women report to us that as family responsibilities and challenges mount, they lose track of their husband’s most heartfelt needs. Recapturing the joy in your relationship requires that you get to know your spouse all over again.

Try some of your old favorites again. What are some of the things you and your spouse did when you first met and married? You know the things we mean: hobbies, sports, shopping, cheap dates, even parking beside the lake. Your spouse’s interests don’t have to be your favorite things to do, but you can take turns participating in each other’s favorites. Honoring your spouse means sacrificing some of your own agenda to please each other.

4. Rethink Your Thinking

You probably know someone who is always negative, who always sees the dark side of everything. Whether the subject is work, church, or spouse, that person notices flaws and failures everywhere.

What tapes are you playing over and over in your mind about your spouse? Can you change the way you think about your spouse? Absolutely. We believe it is possible to learn to fall in love again; you only have to do two things:

1. Be willing to fall in love with your spouse again.

2. Control your thoughts. Change the focus of your thinking to the qualities that caused you to fall in love with your spouse in the first place.

Ask God to refresh your love for your spouse. Even if you currently complain to yourself about your spouse a hundred times a day, even if you genuinely feel your marriage has gone bad, even if many days you don’t feel in love anymore, you can change. God can still help you develop a celebrating love.

5.  Rekindle Romance and Physical Intimacy

Sex is part of this, but even more important is making sure your spouse feels cherished. Even more important is the need for just plain fun time. Decide with each other what “fun time” looks like for the two of you. Then plan it. Sit down with your calendar and be serious about setting time for not being so serious. Agree that during fun time, you will be relaxed and upbeat with one another. This is not compatible with dealing with issues. Agree to solve conflicts before or after fun time.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Can I Help My Spouse Break Their Alcohol Addiction?

A study done by King’s College London found that rates of depression and binge drinking are higher among female spouses of military personnel than for spouses outside the military community.

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Researchers found that female military partners were actually twice as likely to binge drink as women in the general population. Overall, military partners reported consuming alcohol less frequently than women in the general population; however, they reported binge drinking more often.

(source: Jena Hilliard, “New Study Shows Depression and Binge Drinking is more Common among Military Spouses” )

If you’ve found that your mate is struggling with an addiction like this, what can you  do?

Developing or breaking any habit takes discipline. If it’s developing the discipline to walk on a treadmill, if it’s getting your finances in order, if it’s disciplining your time in the Word of God or praying with your mate, it takes a heart desire and a willingness to work hard.

Alcohol can also carry along physiological issues (addictions) that make breaking this habit very difficult. So you need to understand how hard it will be for your spouse, as well as realizing that no change will occur until there is a heart desire on your spouse’s part.

You need to express your desire and your spouse needs to validate it. Express your concerns about health, about modeling issues for your kids, whatever. Then pray for God to do a work in your spouse’s heart.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Set Up Guardrails to Protect Your Marriage

David and Joseph. Two prominent Bible characters. Both were godly men who faced sexual temptation. One yielded and paid a dear price for it. The other ran from temptation and was rewarded by God, even though he was falsely accused of sexual assault by the spurned temptress. We are talking, of course, about King David’s affair with Bathsheba (see 2 Samuel 11) and Joseph’s temptation at the hands of Potiphar’s wife (see Genesis 39).

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The contrast between how these two men responded to sexual temptation is striking.  King David spied Bathsheba bathing. Instead of curbing his misdirected sexual desire, he sought the woman out, took her to bed, got her pregnant, and eventually murdered her husband in an attempt to cover his sin. Their child died as part of God’s judgment.

If anything, Joseph’s temptation was even more intense than David’s. Joseph wasn’t searching the rooftops looking for trouble as David was. Joseph was going about his business as Potiphar’s trusted servant when his boss’s wife threw herself at him and invited him to her bed. What pressure! Yet Joseph did not hesitate or waver. He ran from temptation, even though he ended up in prison on a trumped-up charge.

One of the most subtle and potentially destructive threats to your marriage comes in the form of sexual temptation. We use the word subtle because it is rare to hear of someone like Joseph being overtly and purposely seduced by a person other than his or her spouse. The enemy of your heart and home doesn’t really need a gaping opening like that to ignite temptation. All he needs is a moment of unguarded fascination or attraction, a second glance at an attractive person, a sharing of marital problems with a “concerned friend,” or a few unbridled thoughts about “what if?” Like a cancer, small impure thoughts can grow into a disease that will threaten the life of your marriage.

How can you respond like Joseph instead of David in the face of sexual temptation? Guarding love sets guardrails into place long before the temptation hits. Like the guardrails on a steep, winding mountain road, these relational guardrails will protect you from plunging over the edge.

Let’s look at four important guardrails against the dangers of sexual temptation:

A strong relationship with the Father. A vital, growing relationship with God is your strongest guardrail. He knows how you are wired emotionally and sexually. The closer you stay to him, the greater will be your access to his wisdom and counsel for resisting sexual temptation.

A cautious relationship with people of the opposite sex. We’re not suggesting that you cut off all contact with the opposite sex. We’re talking about being cautious and alert to temptation and maintaining a margin of physical and emotional distance that will help you resist those temptations.

An open relationship with other Christians. You need a small group of trusted friends to encourage you to remain pure, to edify you when you are struggling, and to help restore you if you step over the line in some way.

A fulfilling relationship with your spouse. When you are emotionally or sexually thirsty, quench your thirst with your own spouse. When you are fully satisfied in your relationship with your spouse, neither of you will need to look elsewhere for gratification.

*Our book, Guard Your Heart, can help equip you and your spouse with the tools to protect your marriage. It's available in our online bookstore!

Make Haste to Make Up

Have you ever hurt your spouse in some way? All right, so it’s a trick question. Of course you have hurt your spouse, just as he or she has hurt you. If not, you either haven’t been married very long (like maybe five minutes!) or one of you isn’t human! Even the best of relationships is vulnerable to slights and slams, criticism and avoidance, lies and betrayals of some kind. Since marriage is the closest of all relationships, it is anything but exempt from hurt. And it’s never a one-way street. You have been the offender at least as often as you have been the offended.

Photo by Maddi Bazzocco on Unsplash

Of course, the vast majority of the hurts we inflict on our husbands or wives are unintentional. We never really set out to insult each other, violate each other, or ignore each other. A slip of the tongue, a careless word or deed, a thoughtless omission—they happen because we are weak, sinful, and selfish human beings. But these slights and slips still hurt.

You have been on the offending side of marital conflict, and you have also been on the receiving end, feeling the pain of hurt and disappointment. Whether you are the giver or the receiver, every offense in a marriage needs a relational solution. In Matthew 5:23-24, Jesus offers some helpful and very practical advice for dealing with these painful lapses in marriage. And his instructions seem to be directed at the person who caused the offense.

"If you are standing before the altar in the Temple, offering a sacrifice to God, and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there beside the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God." Matthew 5:23-24

It’s interesting the way Jesus sets the scene for relational reconciliation. He pictures us “standing before the altar...offering a sacrifice to God.” Let’s say this represents a good Christian husband or wife going about the business of seeking and serving God. You go to church regularly. You have devotions regularly. You do the Christian disciplines wholeheartedly.

It’s no coincidence that this person “suddenly remembers” something isn’t quite right with his or her spouse. That’s what happens when we approach God in worship. The closer we draw to him, the brighter the searchlight of his love shines in our hearts. The Holy Spirit is free to point out areas of weakness and sin.

So don’t be surprised if while standing in the church service singing to God or kneeling in prayer during your time of devotions, you suddenly feel convicted by the Spirit of an offense. Of course, God can plant that thought in your heart at any time, even by prompting your offended spouse to say something like, “I felt hurt when...” At that key moment, you are right where God wants you. He is lovingly taking the opportunity to clear up something between you and your dear one.

Next Jesus commands, “Leave your sacrifice...go and be reconciled.” Is he saying that the health of our horizontal relationships with others, including our spouse, is at least as important as our vertical relationship with God? Is he saying something like, “God isn’t interested in your worship until you make right the wrong you did”?

This may be a little difficult for some to grasp, but such an interpretation is compatible with the rest of Scripture. For example, Jesus didn’t want people to call him “Lord” if they weren’t going to obey him (see Luke 6:46). Love for God and love for people are inseparable in God’s scheme of things. You won’t get very far in your spiritual life if you fail to clear up offenses in your marital life.

The essence of Jesus’ command seems to be this: “As soon as you realize that you have offended your spouse, nothing is more important than making it right.”

Don’t delay. Don’t put it off. Don’t procrastinate. Confess your wrong, and ask your spouse’s forgiveness at your earliest convenience. When you are facing conflict always place the priority on the relationship over the issue at hand. The health of your marriage and your relationship with God depend on it.

*For more helpful insights on how to connect with your spouse, check out Renewing Your Love: Devotions for Couples in our online bookstore.