Make Connection a Priority

A recent survey completed by more than 8,500 Army spouses found spouses most frequently chose “work-life balance,” “military practices,” “culture,” and “own well-being” as their top problems. They said feeling stress, overwhelmed or tired – both the spouse and the soldier – was the biggest issue, followed by feelings of loneliness or boredom.

 (source: The RAND Corporation, “Today's Army Spouse Survey: How Army Families Address Life's Challenges”)

Photo by Phillip Goldsberry on Unsplash

We know, of course, that a military career brings with it unique stresses – on top of the everyday stresses that most couples and families experience. Often husbands and wives express to us that after a full day of work and dealing with the kids, they don’t feel like they have much time or energy left for their spouse.  We often hear from couples about the stress of their busy lives. They work full time, go to school, raise kids, serve at church, and even more—and they wonder why their marriages are having difficulty.

Think about it: How many waking hours do you and your spouse have together each day? If you cannot carve out even a few minutes each day to talk and connect, then you’ll be headed for trouble.

The ultimate question is: What is most important at this stage? It should be of primary importance to connect with your spouse and give your kids the security of their parents’ strong marriage. If you have the option, perhaps you should seriously think about putting off school for a season or one of you cutting back on outside work hours in order to give you the time and energy you need for each other and for your family. We live with the lie that we can have it all, we can do it all, and we deserve it all. And when we try to do that, ultimately something pays the piper, and many times it’s the kids and the marriage relationship.

Maybe having one of you quit work or cut back on hours is not possible. Maybe the second income is needed. Maybe that degree is one semester away. In those cases, cutting back may end up causing more stress instead of less. In such cases, you need to make a concerted effort to have a few minutes a day just for you and your spouse that nobody else can break into. You absolutely must have at least a few minutes of alone time where you can connect. This makes your marriage a priority and gives it the preventive maintenance it needs.

You see, during this busy season of life, you need to set priorities, and your first priority must

always be your spouse and family. What you can fit in after that is up to you—that is, up to you and your spouse. There will be plenty of time for some of those other activities in your other seasons of life, but your child won’t be a toddler bouncing on your knee for very long at all.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

My Parents are Sabotaging my Marriage!

Q: My own parents keep trying to sabotage my relationship with my spouse. They always have snide remarks or something that they think isn’t being done right. What can I do?

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A: Your first response is to probably want to say to them: “Get a life, you guys, and quit sabotaging my marriage. This is my husband. And we are building a healthy, biblical marriage.” But that probably wouldn’t be the best way to deal with this. 

Instead, you need to cling to your husband and let your family know in no uncertain terms that when they reject your spouse, they’re rejecting you. If they get all upset and dysfunctional about that, then they’re sucked into some toxic behavior patterns. Don’t take the bait. Instead, pray for them. Love them. Honor them. Encourage them, but support your spouse. That will do a number of things. First, it will eventually extinguish their behavior because, after a few months, it’s going to burn out because they aren’t getting anything from you. Second, it will build the esteem of your spouse so much that he/she will be drawn to you and feel the incredible sense of connectedness. Third, it will strengthen your marriage.

It’s going to take time. It may never be completely gone. But realize that you can’t control it. No matter what you do, that stuff was there before you and your spouse were on the scene and it’s going to be there after you leave the scene. You can’t change them until the Holy Spirit convicts them and changes them. In the meantime, do what you can to show honor while making it very clear where you stand.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Fight Back Against Stress

We all know that stress at work is unavoidable. But while every job has stress, not all stress is created equal. It’s well-known that first-responders and military personnel face more routine and/or higher intensity stressors. The 2019 Jobs Rated Report from CareerCast.com evaluated 11 factors and found enlisted military personnel, firefighters and police officers comprise 3 of the top-five most stressful jobs of 2019.

Photo by israel palacio on Unsplash

Here is the top five list:

1. Enlisted Military Personnel

2. Firefighter

3. Airline Pilot

4. Police Officer

5. Broadcaster

(source: CareerCast.com, “2019 Most Stressful Jobs”)

If you or your mate is experiencing high stress from their job – or either of you find yourself overwhelmed with the busyness and demands of life – there are ways to fight back. Let’s take a look at God’s remedy for stress:

1. Consider what God is doing (James 1:2-4). One of the best antidotes to stress is seeing God’s purposes in the trials of life. God uses every situation, even the petty, irritating situations of life, to teach you to become more like Jesus.

2. Take time each day to be alone with God (Psalm 16:8-11). Planned times of solitude are a key to a balanced life. Through prayer, the Holy Spirit has a chance to change the way you see your difficulties so you can better cope.

3. Guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23). Stress makes you focus on what’s going wrong. Guard your heart against pessimism. Rest in God’s faithfulness.

4. Number your days and live intentionally (Psalm 90:12). Decide what is really important, choose your priorities, and live for them. (Reminder: Your marriage has a consistent need for time and energy, so it must always be a priority!)

5. Cultivate a thankful heart (1 Thessalonians 5:18). When you work to see the good in life, you will feel more positive and the little things that go wrong will cease to look so important.

We hope that you both will be successful in all your noble and praiseworthy endeavors, but we trust that you will subject these pursuits to the lordship of Christ and to the nurturing of your spouse and children. You can handle your many pressures, including those between you and your spouse, without seeing all your plates crash to the floor. It takes planning and resolve, but it can be done.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Enter Your Spouse's World

Let’s think for a moment about what Jesus left behind when he entered human history as a baby born in Bethlehem. He had enjoyed uninterrupted intimacy and fellowship with his Father in eternity. Anything and everything the Father was involved in across the expanse of the universe and the heavenly realm, the Son was also involved in. Jesus enjoyed moment-by-moment adoration and devoted service from angelic hosts.

Photo by Maddy Baker on Unsplash

Furthermore, he was completely free of the bonds of time and space. He could be anywhere and everywhere at his will. He wasn’t confined to a human body that could only occupy one spot on the map at a time. He knew nothing of hunger, weariness, or pain. Christ forfeited the comfort, security, and privilege of heaven to save us from sin. He laid down his life in more ways than his ultimate death on the cross.

When Jesus said, “The greatest love is shown when people lay down their lives for their friends,”  (John 15:13) he wasn’t just talking about becoming a literal martyr. He laid down his life for us more than 33 years before he was nailed to the cross. Every prerogative of deity he set aside was a sacrifice. Every limitation of humanity he assumed to enter our world was a death. Jesus laid down his life the moment he left heaven for earth. Calvary was just the conclusive act in the sacrifice.

Laying down your life for your spouse is a vital element of renewing love. Just as Christ’s sacrifice culminated in the resurrection, so your sacrificial love infuses your marriage with new life. And literal martyrdom has little to do with it. There may come a time when you would have opportunity to save your spouse’s life at the cost of your own. It happens on rare occasions. But more than likely, your sacrificial love will be lived out in everyday choices you make to honor and serve your spouse. When you do this, even in small, seemingly insignificant ways, you are emulating Jesus Christ, the greatest lover of all time, the lover of our souls.

One way you may lay down your life is by setting aside your prerogatives, just as Christ did. You have certain justifiable prerogatives and rights. For example, you may feel it’s your right to play 18 holes of golf every Saturday. After a hectic work week, bashing your Titleist into the next county is a great release. Let’s even assume that your dear wife doesn’t give you any flak for spending four or five hours on the course each week.

But could you set aside that prerogative for your dear one occasionally by spending a Saturday taking her anywhere she wants to go or doing anything she wants to do? We’re not talking about giving up your golf date and then sulking about it while she drags you through a dozen model homes at a snail’s pace. We’re talking about taking delight in honoring your wife with a day you determine to enjoy because it’s something she enjoys. The experience may give you a sense of what it means to lay down your life for your friend.

Another way to lay down your life is to enter your spouse’s world in order to honor him or her, just as Jesus entered our world to bring us the gift of salvation. In the process, you may assume some limitations just as Christ did, but that is the sacrifice of love.

Let’s say, for example, that your husband is into woodworking as a hobby. In order to honor him, you may choose to enter his world in a number of ways. Spend time with him in his shop, showing interest in his projects and learning about the various tools and techniques he uses. Save up your spending money, and buy him that special router he’s been wanting, just as an I-love-you present. When you see a woodworking show scheduled at the local exhibition hall, be sure he knows about it, and consider attending with him.

Each of these steps will cost you something in time, money, and/or energy. That’s what makes sacrificial love the “greatest love.” As you die to yourself in order to love your spouse in these ways, you breathe life into your relationship. Your sacrifice is the oxygen of renewing love. And the benefits to your marriage will far outweigh the cost to you.

*For more helpful insights on how to connect with your spouse, check out Renewing Your Love: Devotions for Couples in our online bookstore.

Parent as a Team

Are the children of law enforcement officers affected by their parents’ work? According to a study led by Rudy Arrendondo in 2002, law enforcement children can “develop traumatic stress vicariously” through watching and listening to their parents experiencing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Not all children will experience or transfer their parents’ stress, but it’s something for law enforcement parents to be aware of. Experts say that the law enforcement child will go through many different stages of acceptance of his or her parent’s law enforcement job depending on their age and cognitive development.

(source: Mark Bond, “Children of the badge: The impact of stress on law enforcement children”)

Photo by Sheri Hooley on Unsplash

This adds yet another layer to an already difficult job: Parenting. Which makes it even more important to be sure you and your mate are on the same page when it comes to your parenting strategy. One of the hot spots for many couples? Discipline.

We hear from so many parents who feel they are the “bad guy” when it comes to disciple and they wonder how they can get their mate more involved with it comes to disciplining the kids.

This can be another area where opposites can complement each other. In our family, Barb was the “no” and Gary was the “yes” when it came to the kids. We laugh about it today, but at the time it was tough. We look back, however, and see that Barb was strong at creating boundaries and structure, while Gary was far more able to give our girls “wings,” releasing them, helping them make their own decisions. The balance was good for our kids.

The biggest suggestion we make is that if you are disagreeing about your disciplining of the children, you must disagree outside the earshot of the kids. If dad is being heavy-handed about something (we’re not talking abuse here, just strict discipline) and mom disagrees, then mom must wait to say anything until she and dad can talk privately. Then, if something is misunderstood or needs to change, it can happen after the fact. You as parents must always present a united front to their kids; otherwise, the kids will wise up, circumvent you, manipulate you, and pit you against each other. That just leads to chaos.

Also understand that each of your children is very different (as if you didn’t know that already!). Different genders and different stages of life demand different parenting strategies. Treating all your children the same doesn’t work, treating a boy and a girl the same doesn’t work, and treating boys and girls at different stages the same doesn’t work. Communicate beforehand when possible what would be the best disciplinary strategy for that particular child for that particular infraction.

Parenting is hard work, and it helps for both of you to be on the same page as much as possible. Learn together to be reflective and prayerful. Discipline with love and consistency. Those are some of the best gifts you can give to your children.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Fighting Back Against Divorce

Do firefighters have a higher divorce rate than the rest of the population? Some have said yes, but the truth is that not all firefighters do. The Journal of Family Issues found that divorce among male firefighters is similar to the general population. However, the divorce rate among female firefighters was more than three-times that for females in the general population.

 (source: Journal of Family Issues, “Marriage and Divorce Among Firefighters in the United States”)

Photo from Pixabay

Whether you’re in a high-stress job, like firefighting, or not – divorce is something you can fight against. But what if you’re to the point where you feel like you just can’t take it anymore? You may feel like there is little to no hope for your marriage, but you don’t want a divorce. What should you do then?

Maybe you have grown weary in your marriage and parenting. You have tried everything you know to do, but your situation hasn’t changed. Your husband doesn’t seem to appreciate what you do for him. Your wife is never happy because you can’t seem to make enough money for her. You feel hopeless and discouraged with no change in sight. You may have given up.

Let us encourage you. God is working in your situation even though you may not see it right now. Remember when Elisha and his servant were in the city of Dothan surrounded by the enemy army? The servant was terrified, but Elisha was calm. He prayed, “O Lord, open his eyes and let him see!” (2 Kings 6:17). At that moment, God opened the servant’s eyes to see that the enemy was surrounded by horses and chariots of fire. God was there all along; the servant just didn’t see him.

God calls us to desire what he desires above all things. Are you struggling to see what God is doing in your marriage? Pray that God will also open your eyes to see that God is at work in your marriage. Realize that it is God’s job to change your spouse, not yours. Your job is to respond to the Spirit and choose to follow his ways even when you don’t understand what he is doing.

Admit to God your own hard-heartedness. Confess any pride that may be blinding you to what he is doing. A tender and sensitive heart will be ready to respond to God at the slightest nudging. Then act on what he reveals to you. Live it out by loving your spouse at the deepest possible level. As you guard your spouse’s heart, you and God are fighting a winning battle for your marriage.

Why You Might Be So Unhappy in Your Marriage

1. Doing the “me” thing. Marriage is a “we” thing, not a “me” thing. Maybe you have gotten selfish and set expectations on your spouse to fulfill and meet your needs, your wants, and your desires instead of thinking of his or her needs, wants, and desires.

2. Making comparisons. Do you ever watch another couple who look like they’re doing just wonderful—and burn with envy? You believe that they have it all together, they’ve got excitement, there can’t be a dull moment in their marriage. What’s your next thought? Of course, you’re thinking about your own marriage and comparing what you’ve got going. That comparison leads to discontentment and unhappiness. Ironically, that couple who looks great on the outside is probably in the same place as you and your spouse—just in other areas!

3. Boredom. Maybe you’ve bought into the lie that is told so consistently in our society that relationships must be adventurous and exciting at all times! You must be realistic in the fact that there will be times that it feels repetitive and times of newness! Boredom is not a reason to end a marriage—it is definitely something that can change when two people decide to add spark to their marriage!

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Get a Handle on Anger

Anger can be a difficult thing to deal with in a marriage - especially if you or your spouse struggle to control your anger. What can you do to deal with this tough situation?

Just listen to what this wife had to say:

“I just wonder if you have some ways to go about forgiving when my husband expresses anger and says means things, and then later on he’s sorry. I don’t feel forgiving of him when he does that. I want him to be sorry, but I also want him to end the behavior and be done with it.”

Photo by freestocks.org from Pexels

It would be nice if all conflicts were as small as which way the toilet tissue is supposed to hang. But many offenses in marriage are far from trivial. Few couples escape the conflicts that result from differences in family backgrounds, personalities, or values. No matter how our marriages grow in maturity, we always seem to find ways of hurting each other, either intentionally or unintentionally. And with every offense comes pain. Hurt leaves us wide open, feeling as if our hearts have been torn out, our tenderness brutalized, and our equilibrium upset. Sometimes we don’t recognize the inner pain right away; other times, we just try to hide it. We don’t tell our spouses when they have wounded us; we don’t want to appear vulnerable; we suppress the hurt and act as if nothing happened.

Just as it can be difficult for us to recognize hurt, it can be difficult to spot anger. As long as you deny that you feel angry over your unresolved disappointments and hurts, you won’t deal with the problem. Where there is an offense, there is hurt. And where there is unresolved hurt, there is anger. The cause of anger can also be confusing. While most anger is triggered by specific situations or events, anger can also be displaced—sparked by one person or event but taken out on someone else.

For example, your spouse calls to say he or she will be late for dinner again. You hang up the phone and all through dinner take your anger out on the kids.

Anger can also be leftover—stemming from the past, sometimes so far back that the cause is even forgotten. For example, your spouse fires off a volley of angry words at you for no apparent reason. When you sit down to talk about it, you discover that he or she was hurt by something you did a month ago, something you barely remember.

Wherever the anger comes from, God has provided a biblical way to address it and disarm the offense-hurt-anger pattern that will rob your relationship of intimacy and connection. Whenever you experience the downward spiral of unresolved offenses, hurt, and anger, you have two options. First, you can simply ignore the offense and the hurt while allowing the anger to fester. You may continue to stuff your unresolved feelings deep inside resulting in bitterness, resentment, and depression. You may explode, venting pent-up anger without regard for how it wounds and alienates your spouse. Either way, by failing to break the negative pattern, you continue to wear each other down. The end result may be a relational earthquake that rattles your relationship to its foundation.

But you have a second option. It’s called forgiving love. When you face hurt and anger, you can decide to resolve the conflict. That’s the biblical way to deal with the offense-hurt-anger pattern. What we want to work toward—as individuals and as couples—is a commitment to address the pain and anger, to resolve the conflict, to forgive the offender, and to renew the relationship. The goal is to bring the relationship to a place of healing, wholeness, and openness that will help you feel accepted and connected again. Forgiving love restores a wounded relationship. When you practice forgiving love consistently, you protect your marriage from heading down the path to emotional or legal divorce.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Debt is hurting our marriage

Debt can cause all kinds of stress in a marriage. Have you found yourself feeling hopeless over debt? We’ve heard from many couples who say credit cards have led them down the path to debt. 

Photo from Pixabay

Plastic creates an illusion about what you can afford. A study done years ago said that people who use credit cards will spend 34 percent more than if they used cash or wrote a check. Why? Because in their minds, they don’t have to pay in full anytime soon. That’s part of the mindset that is so dangerous. Because of the high interest rates on credit cards, people need to get into the mindset to use the cards only when what they are purchasing fits in the budget. 

The worst situation is when you’re simply able to pay only minimum payments on your credit cards—that’s often where the stress arises because by paying minimums only, you quickly realize that you’re not getting anywhere in paying off the cards. Usually you end up barely covering the interest payment. 

For example, let’s say you spend $2000 on a credit card. The minimum payment on that amount will be roughly 2 percent a month, or $20. That certainly seems affordable, right? So, you just make those $20-a-month payments. Now here’s a sobering truth—even if you use the card no more, and if you pay only that $20, it’s going to take you about nine years to repay that original $2000. And at the end of that time, you’ll have paid more than $1000 dollars of interest! So if you used your credit card to purchase something on sale, in the end, you’ve not gotten a sale price at all!

If you’ve found yourself in debt, here are ten steps toward finding your way out:

1. Gather all your bills, along with a pencil, calculator, some paper, and some file folders. Prepare a file folder for each type of bill.

2. Make a list of your regular monthly bills. On this list, do not include bills that you’re trying to pay off (such as credit card bills); list only the bills that you’ll always get or at least are long term (such as tithe, mortgage or rent, car payment, utilities, insurance, etc.).

3. In the space beside each of these bills, list the amount (or average amount) you pay per month. Then create a subtotal, which represents the amount of money you must pay out as your bills arrive every month. 

4. The next step is more difficult. You need to figure out what needs to be added for essentials such as food, gas, and other miscellaneous expenses (maybe it’s piano lessons for the kids or some other expense). Subtotal these expenses.

5. Now figure out the total for #3 and #4 above. This number represents your vital, bare-bones budget (although, even here, you may find ways to pare back. Perhaps you can find a less expensive place to grocery shop, or you can set the thermostat higher or lower). In any event, this is a basic number for you to work with.

6. Write down how much you earn each month. Subtract the subtotal from #5 above from your income. Now you know what you have left to put toward retiring your debts.

7. On a separate sheet of paper, make a list of every other bill that you need to clear up. This is where you list your credit cards, medical bills, or other places that have extended you credit.

8. Go through each bill and write out the total amount that you owe for each. This amount will change from month to month as you make payments and as interest is added, but for now, just write it down. (By the way, for this to work, put away all those credit cards—cut them up, put them on ice, whatever. If you want to get out of debt, you have to commit to not adding to your debt.) After you’ve written down all the totals, rewrite the list in order of the amount owed, starting with the lowest. Generally this is the order in which you’ll attempt to pay them off.

9. Decide on a standard amount that you can afford to pay on each bill. Credit cards have minimums, so start there, understanding that you’re going to try, as quickly as possible, to get above that minimum payment in order to make headway. Once you’ve figured out all the minimum payments for each bill, see if there is leftover in your budget. If so, the extra should go to that first bill on the list, the lowest one. As soon as that one is paid off, you move up to the next bill, adding to the minimum payment that you already put beside it the minimum payment from the previous bill and any extra that was in your budget. Pay that one off. Then keep moving up the list and you’ll see that you’ll be adding more and more to the bottom line and paying off the higher ones faster and faster.

10. On a third sheet of paper, figure out how you’ll be doing the payouts. If you get paid twice a month, then make two columns. If every week, then four columns. Look at the due dates for each bill and write that bill into the corresponding pay period (paying bills on time and avoiding late fees will already give you a raise!). Now you know what you have to pay with each paycheck. You should photocopy this list or have it on your computer so you can print a new one out each month. When you get a paycheck, pull out the bills that need to be paid and get them into the mail or set up for online payments.

Now you’re on your way!

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Your Phone Could Harm Your Sex Life

It’s no surprise that smart phones have changed the way we live, but what you may not realize is that your phone may change your relationship with your spouse. A new survey shows that three quarters of adults bring their phone to bed with them – and more than a third of Americans say their sex life has suffered because of it.

Photo by Ree from Pexels

This survey also revealed that people who regularly bring their phone to bed are twice as likely to use their device rather than engage in romantic activity with their mate during the hour before they fall asleep. In fact, a quarter of those surveyed said the last thing they see before closing their eyes at night isn’t their spouse – but their phone.

(source: “No More Pillow Talk: Phones in Bed Taking a Toll on Relationships, Sex Lives,” by Ben Renner)

Wow! It’s something we may not often think about – but it could have a big impact on our relationship if we don’t make some changes.

There was some positive news from the survey: One-third of those surveyed said they’ve at least discussed and acknowledged the need to get off their phones more often while in bed.

So, let’s take back that time and be more intentional about how we spend it! If your sex life has become a bit boring (and your phone has been a distraction) there are some appropriate things you can do to make your intimate time together a little more exciting.

Here’s the great thing: God created sex! He could have created cross-pollination so that we send spores through the air to each other. He didn’t do that. He designed sex for procreation, but he also made it great fun! So how do you perk it up?

First, think spontaneity. Do something creative and different in order to bring romance and spark to your physical relationship. Women: Set the mood. Buy fun lingerie. Initiate (you won’t believe what that alone will do for your man!) Men: Realize that sex begins the moment you wake up in the morning. That goodbye kiss to your wife, that call during the day, that time you spent playing with the kids, that thoughtfulness to fill her car with gas—all those things will cause your wife to respond to you sexually. (You don’t believe us? Try it!)

Second, on the flip side, think intentionality. Be purposeful. Some couples will literally perk up their sex life by scheduling it. That may seem kind of counter-intuitive, but when it’s on your mental calendar, that busy day and those normal activities get spiced up simply by the anticipation of sex that evening. This creates fun and the anticipation alone will spice up your sex life.

You need to stay within appropriate boundaries as you spice things up. Don’t bring in pornographic videos or magazines thinking they will help. They won’t. Instead, be creative in other ways. Your sex life can be as terrific as you want it to be!

*For more revealing insights about what your spouse’s most intimate sex needs are - and how to meet them - check out The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women in our online bookstore!

Keep the Love Alive

Research has shown that job-related stresses experienced at work can be transmitted to other family members once the person comes home. Findings suggest that job stress dampens the quality of marriage interactions and causes the other spouse to feel more negatively towards the relationship. One study of police officers found that emotional exhaustion and negatives affective states of police officers are associated with their spouses' reports of family conflict. Another study discovered that on days that officers reported higher levels of stress, booth the officers and their wives showed greater levels of autonomic arousal during couple conversations that occurred several hours after the end of the work day. 

(source: Cheryl Regehr, "Bringing the trauma home: Spouses of paramedics," Journal of Loss and Trauma)

Photo from Pixabay

If you're married to a police officer (or another first responder) you already know how much stress your spouse deals with on a daily basis. And you're also aware of the toll that stress has taken on you and on your marriage. You may even feel that you aren't as "in love" as you used to be. Or that your marriage isn't what you dreamed it would be. So what can you do to keep the love alive and help your marriage survive the ups and downs?

No one gets married thinking their love for their spouse will fade. We go in believing those butterflies we felt when we first fell in love will last forever. But the truth is every married couple experiences times where they don’t feel as “in love” as they used to. Or the marriage relationship may begin to seem more ho-hum than they thought it should.

That’s why practicing celebrating love is so important to your marriage! Celebrating Love is one of our 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love.

Celebrating love is all about reveling in the emotional, physical, and spiritual connections that bond you to your spouse. It’s a kind of love that protects you from drifting apart and enables you to fall in love and feel discovered all over again. It’s not always about occasional gifts and surprises. Celebrating love rejoices daily in the marriage you have and helps you feel cherished and captivated by the other. It is a reflection of God’s celebrating love as seen in Zephaniah 3:17: “The Lord ... will rejoice over you with great gladness... He will exult over you by singing a happy song.”

Without celebrating love, your relationship will stagnate, and you will drift apart emotionally. But when you cultivate celebrating love in your marriage, you will reconnect with the heartfelt love you discovered when you first fell head over heels for each other. Celebrating love means growing deeper in love year after year, rediscovering what you almost forgot about each other, appreciating again what may have lost its shine, and displaying affection and appreciation for all that you find in each other. Celebrating love prompts you to exult with Solomon: “This is my lover, this my friend” (Song of Songs 5:16, NIV). 

Celebrating love usually isn’t something that “comes over” you. You don’t just sit around and wait for the old, warm feelings of love to well up again. You cultivate celebrating love intentionally. One of the primary ways to inspire daily celebration in your relationship is to purposely put each other first. Move your spouse to the top of your to-do list, just a bubble behind your love for Jesus.

This means you must make spending time together a priority, just as you did when you were first dating. We’re not just talking about “quality time.” Sometimes you need hundreds of hours of “quantity time” before you can enjoy real quality time with your spouse. You need frequent periods of time away from the kids and other responsibilities. Find enjoyable activities—everything from hobbies to foreplay to conversation—that will rekindle intimacy of heart and spirit. Give your spouse priority access to your time instead of just the leftovers.

Priority time for your spouse means occasional date nights and getaway weekends. These events should be scheduled in your calendar ahead of time, because if you wait until the last minute, you may have trouble fitting them into your busy life. (You may find our book 40 Unforgettable Dates with Your Mate helpful in planning dates!) But priority time also means smaller time slots each day, such as having dinner together, taking a brief walk, spending time talking, playing a game, or watching a favorite program together.

Priority time for what? Among all the enjoyable things you may do when you set aside time to be together, make communication a priority. Sure, you may spend a couple of hours in silence watching the ballet or a movie. But make the effort to fit periods of meaningful conversation into your time together. By meaningful we mean something more than how you liked the movie, what the kids did today, or how the economy is faring. Talk about the two of you—your goals, your dreams, even your disappointments and your hurts. Try to learn something new about your spouse every time you enjoy uninterrupted conversation.

Meaningful conversation also means what you say through your body language. When you talk together, put down your phone and turn off the TV. Make eye contact and give undivided attention. Make physical contact through an occasional affirming touch. Draw out your spouse with questions that demonstrate your interest in what he or she is talking about. Ask God to help you focus directly on your spouse.

Lavish on your spouse the honor and pleasure of putting him or her first among your earthly relationships. It will prompt a daily celebration that will help you soar above the knotty problems and humdrum of daily life.

*For more helpful insights on how to connect with your spouse, check out Renewing Your Love: Devotions for Couples in our online bookstore.